Your Quarterly Horoscope

Sharpless 249 and the Jellyfish Nebula. Albert Barr / NASA

Aries

This is a big Aries year. You’re leading with your moon this year, so whatever your moon is go read that one too to supplement this. Or if your moon is in Aries then this goes super deep for you like usual. This is a year of self actualization for you, dreams coming true. As you receive your blessings take care to pay it forward, spread the love, this will keep the river of soul charity flowing and keep that universal unconscious in harmony. Your energy is doing a lot of vibe carving this year so be kind, dip down deep as you can into them deep, deep wells of Aries wisdom.

Taurus

Do yoga. Box. Kickbox. Do Karate. Go swimming. Go surfing. Go vegan. Listen to Miles Davis, Betty Davis, John Coltrane and Alice Coltrane. Finish that shit you started. Lay low, party less, work more, but not some wack shit for somebody else I mean work on yourself. Write a novel. Read some nonfiction.

Gemini

Tupac was a Gemini, ain’t that funky? This a time of Big Love for u, get down on the floor and make some sweat. Big Labor baby, the labor of love. Live in the moment, jump into the night sky and eat the most sensual star u can find. Feel the star juice swirl in ur soul tummy, Ur the star now, hanging in the sky like a crazy leaf on this crazy tree called life. Life, man, what a trip, huh?  Zonk out to the joy fantastic. Enswirl urself in the vines of wonder. Lick the big lollipop of life like some crazy baby. Stay Healthy. Viva La Revolucion.

Cancer

Hit the blackjack table. Take a bike ride. Eat some tofu. Do a kickflip. Take up pottery, make all of ur own earthenware. Sew ur own clothes. Meditation is the realest drug. Lift weights, hit the sauna. Sell cocaine. Go to architecture school. Become a chef. Be a lawyer. Learn Ju Jitsu. Go surfing. Play marbles. Eat a sandwich. The stars contain crazy mysteries, ruminate on those.

Leo

Art is useless and therefore the only labor worth performing. We should be free to move our limbs in any way, shape, form, or fashion as behooves us at any given moment of the day. Automation and Universal Basic Income is but one timid step down a long and winding road to the utter perfection of human consciousness.

Virgo

Your early summer is a Coexist bumper sticker. Your later summer is a Subvert the Dominant Paradigm bumper sticker. As fall approaches you will be in full ABOLISH PRISONS spray paint stencil mode. Some real ass shit bout to go down this year.

Libra

Build a green house on your roof, grow your own food, grow some weed too, now you got your rent money, you stoned, you fed, you vegan. What next? I don’t know man, read a book, you’re a Libra. Donate some old clothes, sell off some stuff, minimize, further detach yourself from material possessions, pare it down to what truly matters to you. Objects have their own energy and too much object energy can be draining. Get some sun, be around water, go swimming when you get the chance.

Scorpio

Do whatever, have fun, turn up, smoke weed, get drunk, go snorkleing, have sex, live ur best life, Scorps rule, u the best, fuck the dum stuff, get paid baby, make love not war, serve hot looks for the passing eyeballs of the world, serve fierce walks for the uninitiated, sing into the ocean, vibe out in the groovy son u big beautiful baby, eat an apple, think about ur life doggy, what did u do wrong? what did u do rite? did u have a sick enuf time on earth? no? well it’s not over yet, there’s still time to turn that ship around, eliminate fear sadness and anger with a stern look, let the twinkle in ur eye become the twinkle in ur entire body and then the twinkle in the world.

Sagittarius

Dog, Scarface is a wild movie. (The Brian De Palma one with Al Pacino, not the one from like the ’30s, which was also pretty good, I remember seeing that one hella years back.) Naw but yeah, the Pacino one is wild. Pacino, I always felt was trash in Scarface, but in such a way that he occasionally was very spot on. I feel like his only real “process” was sniffing a lot of cocaine, but in the case of this film, I think it worked. Funny thing is u watch other Pacino movies and you realize, the dude’s just a coked out maniac who can’t act very well in every movie, then you realize, hey, that’s the appeal. Like Keanu Reeves or Arnold Schwarzenegger, you’re just in awe that they’re even in the room, the Brechtian disruption of it. Giorgio Moroder bodied that score, Jesus Christ. That Mobb Deep joint that samples it over those Bonita Applebum type drums, G.O.D. Part III off Hell on Earth, that whole album is crazy. Anyway, what was I saying? Who cares. Art defies reality, and in doing so, shapes and changes reality, cements, gels, envelopes itself within reality, its own, and the conditions that create it.

Capricorn

Get a bullet proof whip with tinted windows. Buy some land in the country put a trailer on it, don’t tell nobody about it. Bank black. Close your eyes and wake up from your butterfly dream. Now you’re a butterfly. Fly around, eat the honey out of flowers or whatever it is butterflies do.

Aquarius

Don’t let your emotions rule you in these times. Identify your emotions and learn what they’re telling you, act accordingly. But don’t dwell in your emotions, keep it moving. Stop eating meat and dairy. Drink about half as much alcohol. Cut out like 75% of ur sugar intake. Eat weed instead of smoking it. Sit-ups, pushups, crunches, running, walking, swimming. Get a dog. Walk the dog a lot. Ride a bike. Go fishing.

Pisces

Joy is always present in your body, waiting to be released. Take advantage of that. Next time you’re feeling deprezzed, go volunteer at your local soup kitchen. Next birthday, ask for donations to a local bail fund. Bored? Write a letter to a prisoner. Smoke weed, ride a bike.